I found these jokes
in various places around the internet I can't take credit for them
(whether they be funny or not)
The Talking Parrot
A guy walks into a pet store wanting to buy a talking bird. He sees a parrot and says to the bird, "Hey, can you speak, Stupid?" The bird replies, "Yes, can you fly, Dummy?"
A Burglar and a parrot
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house
he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you!" the voice
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said, "Jesus is watching you?'" "Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and said, "Whew! Then I've got nothing to worry about." The parrot said, "That's what you think... Sic 'em Jesus!"
Once there was this man who owned a parrot.
Like other parrots, this one could talk but it preferred to swear. In fact it could swear
for hours on end without taking a break. The problem with all of this was that the man was
a quiet, conservative man and all this swearing was driving him crazy. One day the parrot
was carrying on again and the man had finally had enough. So he jumped up, grabbed the
parrot, and starting yelling at it to stop cursing. This only made the parrot curse more
until the guy finally lost his temper and shoved the parrot into a cabinet.
The parrot got quiet for a few seconds, but then started cursing even worse than before. It started scratching at the door and making a horrible racket until finally the man let it out. Losing his temper completely the man shoved the parrot into the freezer and slammed the door shut. Again the parrot started cursing and carrying on, but then it quieted down and didn't do anything for a couple minutes. By this time the man was starting to get worried that the parrot was dead so he opened the door.
Quickly the parrot flew out onto the man's shoulder and said, "I'm terribly sorry about my foul language and rude behavior. I'll do my best to improve them in the future." The man was stunned at how polite the parrot was behaving and was quite pleased with himself. Then the parrot leaned over to the guy, motioned at the freezer, and said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
The Magician and his Parrot
A magician was performing on a cruise
ship. Each night while performing,
his parrot kept saying, "It's up his sleeve! It's in his pocket! It's in his shoe!
It's in his pants!" This annoyed the magician greatly. One night, while he was doing his tricks, the ship's boiler blew up and the ship sank. The magician was able to grab onto a table and survived. The parrot, who also made it to the table, kept looking quizzically at him as they drifted at sea. Finally, on the 4th day the parrot looked at its master and said, "I give up... what did you do with the ship?"
Free Baby to a Good Home
We just got a new bird so the baby has to
go. Two year old female, answers to the name, Chelsea. She is good around other kids,
doesn't scream too much, mostly potty-trained & weaned. She has all of her shots and
is free to a good home. She likes men and women and will go to both. Limited vocabulary,
but can say a few words. Good eater, enjoys a varied diet. Believe me, we hate to get rid
of her, but we are afraid she might hurt the new bird, and we couldn't let that happen.
What if the baby smothered the bird trying to hold it? Worse, licking food out of the
birds mouth or eating out of it's dish? What if she bit the bird!! We really cannot take
that chance. I know it's possible to raise a baby and a bird together, you just have to
watch them real carefully, but the whole idea just scares me. We just can't take any
chances. A bird could catch a disease from a baby! I mean, without that diaper, they tend
to poop anywhere they want to. That is so unsanitary! What if the bird got salmonella or
E.Coli from eating the babies droppings? YUK!! Babies can be sooo messy, you know how they
fling their food all over the place. I don't want my bird eating the baby food off the
floor!! What really worries me is when babies get older, about 13, they tend to get really
hormonal and very temperamental. They can be a real handful and are very hard to read.
It's possible to live with a hormonal 13 year old, but very tricky. Unless you lock them
up they try to have sex with the neighbor kid, or worse, they get preggers themselves!
Then you have another baby to tend with. You can't even get them fixed like you can a dog
or a cat. This is another reason we don't feel up to the ownership issues. So I am trying
to find a good home for her. I hate to take her to a shelter, but it may be my only
option. My husband is really putting the pressure on me. So if you are interested and you
think you can give her a good home, or know of someone who would, please drop me a line.
Bird Rules -
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my beak, its mine.
3. If I can take it from you, its mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
5. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you have something and you put it down, it automatically
Talk is Cheep
A week later the
man returns to the pet store and talks to the clerk
again. He says, "I gave the parrot the bell, but he still isn't talking."
the clerk thinks about it, and says, "Try buying a swing.Parrots love
swings." So the man buys a swing and leaves.
A week later, he
returns again, and talks to the clerk. "The parrot still isn't
talking." The clerk thinks about it, and says, "Try buying a perch. Parrots
love perches." So the man buys a perch and leaves.
A week later,
the man returns to the pet store and finds the clerk.
He walks up the the clerk and says,"The parrot died." The clerk, surprised,
asks, "Did he say anything before he died?" The man says, "Yeah, he did.
He said, 'Doesn't that darn pet store sell any food?!?!?'"